dating for friends
moving to states taught me that making friends as an adult is basically dating – and I had to learn how to swipe right on friendship.
Leaving a robust social life behind was kind of hard. Especially when you have to watch your friends make memories with each other that don't include you. Not because they don't want to include you, but because you no longer live there.
I used to feel like the glue to some of my friend groups – introducing people to each other, having my friend groups make friends with each other. But moving to a new state really changed all of that. Trying to drive 6+ hours or catch a flight to still feel included isn't something that is sustainable. So I had to start all over and make new friends in a new place that I called home.
We didn't know a soul in the city. It was just my husband and I. In the beginning I felt extremely alone and depressed. I remember crying in the tub one afternoon because I felt lonely. Of course I had my husband, but he started a new job – one that requires a lot of meet and greets and after work activities that kept him away from home the first few months of us relocating. So I spent a lot of time alone.
Did I mention this was also during the height of the pandemic? We moved in June 2020.
Moving to a new city, I knew making friends would be different at this stage of my life. I wasn't looking to catch someone up on my entire life – I was looking for friends who could just ease into what I already had going on. If I want to sit back and talk Housewives with someone, let us just do that. If I have a group of moms with kids around the same age, let's get together and free our brains for a moment or immerse ourselves in the toddler energy with a playdate.
Making new friends is a lot like dating. I found a ton of similarities as I've begun to get to know a bunch of new people. I've realized that I enjoy some people in group settings and others I enjoy more 1:1 time with them for deeper conversations and connections. I have pockets for friends now, when before the same group of individuals served the same role, or at least tried to.
Here's what I had working in my favor when I was trying to make new friends:
My husband's job. Being in a college town, the university is a major playing card. My husband happened to have a nice big shiny job, so I led with that when meeting new people. I felt like it took down the "stranger" wall when I mentioned it. Almost everyone knows someone who works at the university here, so it was easy to find common ground amongst new people and strike up conversation.
Our realtors. When I found out we were moving to a state where neither one of us knew anyone, I knew I had to find some realtors who could possibly double as friends. I wanted a married couple (if possible) and someone who was close to our age (if possible). After a few keyword searches in Google, a couple appeared on my screen and I put in an inquiry. The husband called immediately. Flash forward 5 years, we are more than friends, we are family.
Influencers and social media. When we moved down here, I was circling in that world. I had a robust Instagram account that I used to reach out to people and strike up conversations in the new city that I was moving to. I did this prior to us even moving south, but then weeks later we were ordered to stay at home and I stopped making new connections in the new city, because who wants to meet strangers when a deadly virus is going around? Not me, even though the south was wiiiiiiiiide open!
Several months later I ended up at a table with one of the creators I messaged and I immediately recognized her, but she had no clue who I was from first glance, because my 100K+ Instagram account rarely showed my face. I felt so silly and awkward saying "hey we chatted on Instagram, my husband is the one who took that job." But I am so glad that I did because that opened up a friendship door for us.
Having a hobby. This got me into the community more. It got me around like-minded people. That is one of the hardest things to do when making friends – searching for people who like the same things as you do. Since we are all showing up to participate in the same hobby, reading, it made it easier to make friends or have people to talk to.
Just saying hi. During a date night at an oyster tasting event we ended up sitting next to a couple at the bar and they randomly struck up a conversation with us. By the end of the night they invited us to their annual holiday party they host every year. I consider them friends even though we don't see each other all the time, maybe a handful of times a year. But we are intentional about not letting several months go by without seeing each other, and I think that is the key to a lot of it – intentionality. Making sure that both people are keeping up with the relationship.
I would say there are two people who have really impacted my friendship experience since I've lived here.
First is one half of our realtor team, the wife. She became the friend I never knew I needed in life. I have close friends and a couple of best friends. But none of them are nearby. They are states or time zones away. I needed someone to cry to for life's hard moments and this person (and my other new girlfriend) filled in that gap for me. Once I moved out of the "professional" relationship with her, because yes we were a business transaction at the beginning, we got to know each other. We each experienced some fragile moments that we were able to support each other in which solidified that we both needed a friend in this chapter of life.
My second really good girlfriend is the creator I reached out to on Instagram. She reminded me of myself from the before, when I was the person who had multiple friend groups coming together to do life's moments with. Being the "new" girl in her robust social circle was more intimidating than it actually was. Her friends were warm and welcoming and made me feel a part of the group from the very beginning. Now I call some of them friends of my own.
I got lucky with these two.
I knew I was on the right track with friends when I would come home from hanging out to gush to my husband about how much fun I had or how happy I am with life. Meeting new people and genuinely getting to know them is so tough, and I feel like I cracked the code with the people that I have met being here.
I knew these were my people when I could have the best time doing regular things. Meeting up to go grocery shopping, stopping by each other's house for morning coffee, unannounced and welcomed midday drop-bys because they know my schedule is flexible and would enjoy the company. Meeting up to chat about nothing but our passion projects or the latest episode of Housewives. Creating memories and fun moments together doing the simple things. That is when I knew the friends I've made were the real deal.
No longer am I accepting mediocre friendships. If I am going to peel myself away from my beautiful home, kid and husband, it better be for a good time. And a good time doesn't always mean something extravagant. I just need good conversations, laughs, and a good memory.
To be my friend now means that you are accepting me for exactly who I am right now in this season of life. Making new friends later in life allows you to almost reinvent yourself or what you want to be known for in your friend group. No one knows of the past or people you've dated or befriended. I've been able to find friends who have the same current interests as I do right now versus trying to force connections and relationships with people who don't know or understand me today.
We don't need to be on the phone updating each other on our daily lives in order to be friends. We just have to be genuine about catching up when we do see each other and making that time count.
While the friends I've been friends with for 20+ years are still some of my dearest relationships, the ones I've made in the last few years are what my soul needed. There is nothing like an actual shoulder to cry on, a hug when you are having a shitty day, or an actual toast when you are celebrating good news and in-person laughs that will carry you through the rest of the week.
Maybe you're reading this from your own tub, feeling lonely in a new city. Or maybe you're realizing your current friend circle just isn't hitting the same anymore. Either way, here's what I've learned about putting yourself out there:
Make the First Move
This might seem awkward, but you should try it out. I recommend finding something in common with the person before sending them a direct message. Maybe instead of sending a DM, make or respond to a comment. Mention you are new to the area and you used to do similar things like this back home and you want to try this out, or ask for any more similar recommendations.
Here are some questions to ask new friends you are getting to know:
Go deeper than "how's your day?" Be intentional about that and don't accept "fine" for an answer. If you want to get to know someone, get to know their habits and what they like to do – this gives you more things to talk about with them as you continue to meet up.
Skip the basic work question. Instead of asking "what do you do for work," try "tell me about your job again" or "remind me of what you do." It feels more conversational.
Ditch "what do you do for fun?" It's played out now. Lean into asking them if they have any hobbies, or what their latest series binge or movie watch is. Getting to know someone is about understanding what they like to do, and most people with hobbies incorporate them into their routine and are excited to talk about them.
Save the deep stuff for later. Things that are a bit personal to talk about on a first friend-date one could be relationships, kids and family. If the other person volunteers some of this information then proceed, but get to know that person first before jumping deep into their personal life.
Ask for recommendations. This is a golden gem ice breaker. People love to recommend places and things to do. Ask about restaurants, coffee shops, or places to shop. If you are an outdoor person ask about trails, farmers markets, and festivals.
The big ask: hanging out again. This is tricky and can be done delicately, because you don't know how the other person feels about this friendship date. Keep an eye on how the vibes are vibing during this meet-up. If you feel both of your energies are syncing up, then go ahead and plan to meet-up again. But if you are unsure, wait a little bit before asking to hang out again.
Here are some other ideas that I’ve used to meet new people
Sit in high traffic areas. Find out the busiest coffee shops or third places and go hang out there. Take your computer, book, or something to keep you occupied for a couple of hours (not scrolling social media though) and put yourself in the center of it all. When people sit near you just say "hi." A simple hello can go far.
Subscribe to anything that introduces you to events. That could be a newsletter, Reddit thread, Instagram follow or email list. Get to know the major events that are happening in the area and make a point to go there. I’ve searched on Instagram to find things I would like to do in my new city, and then from there I looked at the people who were attending those events to see if any of them would be my cup of tea.
If you're in a similar situation – whether you've moved somewhere new or just realized your friend circle needs a refresh – putting yourself out there for friendship requires the same courage as dating. But the reward? Finding your people in a season when you need them most.
And hey, if this resonates with you, I'd love to hear about your own friend-dating adventures. Leave a comment and tell me your story. Don’t forget to tap the ♥️before you go.